Some Clarity

So, since my last post I've learned some things. Hubby never would pick up his clothes, so I dropped some off at his mom's house. He did return the SUV - though I sort of tricked him into that. I asked him to come talk to me on Sunday after I got home from work. He showed up, I asked if I could hold his keys while we talk so he couldn't drive away. I then went in the house and gave the keys to my mom. She had been there babysitting for me - and I've been talking to her so she knows what's going on with us. I gave my husband a list of things I can no longer live with. His behavior has gotten out of control. I gave him an ultimatum. Get help, or get out! He has been taking prescription pain pills for 2 years now. He has a legitimate need for them, but he's abusing them. He goes through a weeks worth of pills in 2-3 days and then has to find more elsewhere. He has lied to his doctor over and over to get scripts filled early. I caught him several times and he lied to cover his butt. The biggest lie so far - he found pictures of a kitchen fire online, emailed it to his doctor and told him that we had the fire and his pills were destroyed. I stumbled across this probably a year ago because he had left his email open and I decided to snoop. The temptation was too great! I asked him about it and he insisted I shouldn't have snooped for one, and that he was helping the doctor out because the FDA was on him about WHY he had been writing extra prescriptions. BS!

Anyway.. I told him he needed to get help with his addiction or I would be filing for divorce and custody. He agreed to get help after 45 minutes of "thinking". He kept trying to talk me into giving him the keys so he could drive himself to the hospital. I refused. He wanted me to follow him so he could leave when he was done and wouldn't have to wait on me to pick him up. Again I refused. Finally he agreed to let me take him, sign him in, and I promised to be there for him in anyway I could. On the way to the hospital he said he wanted to stop and eat first. I asked what he wanted and he wouldn't pick anything. I drove straight to the hospital and pulled up in front. He got grumpy and said he was still hungry. I told him "you had your chance. You didn't pick". So he said he wanted Wendy's. I drove there, parked so we could go in to eat and he got out of the car. He walked away. He WALKED away! He got out of the car, and took off in the opposite direction of the restaurant. I was PISSED. I didn't try to follow or stop him. I just started the car, backed out of my space, and drove away.

About halfway home his cell phone rings, so I answer it. It's his brother. His brother is calling to say how excited he is about coming to visit us at the end of the month.. but is wondering why I answered the phone instead of my hubby. I explained the situation and he say's "Oh no. Not again!". WHAT?!?! Again!? Apparently, hubby was addicted to Valium before I met him. I didn't know this. Nobody told me! He sure didn't want me to know about it.. if I'd known I would have gone to his family about this 2 years ago. His brother is very concerned and told me he thought hubby was doing great and he'd been telling him how wonderful everything was. He was painting an amazing picture for everyone else.

I'm so upset. I've just had my husband walk away from me after agreeing to get help to save our marriage. I've just learned he's had a problem with pain pills before, this isn't new. I've learned he's lied to me about tons of stuff, for 3 years. I'm crushed.

Hubby calls me and tells me he's at a gas station. He wants me to come and pick him up. I ask him "Why?" You refused the help that was offered and knew the options. Why would I want to come and get you now? I hung up. His brother called me wanting to know what was happening. I told him I knew where he was but I wasn't going to pick him up. I'm angry, I'm hurt, I'm just not in the mood to deal with him. Eventually, hubby's mom goes to get him. He's very angry with me for talking to his brother, he's upset that I didn't pick him up. He's embarrassed that others know what's going on with him.

I talked to my husband's doctor. I told them he is having problems with using his pills quickly. The doctor flat out told me "I know he is an addict". WHY ARE YOU STILL GIVING HIM PILLS!? Are you insane!? I am SOOOO mad at his doctor on top of everything else! This is ridiculous. He knows my husband is addicted to his pills, and continues to write his prescription every week? Why not put him on a non-narcotic pain pill? Why is this the only thing he is going to do for him? Can't we do surgery? I mean seriously.. there has to be something else! The doctor tells me we can't throw him in rehab and clean him up simply because he does have pain and really does need pain relief. I understand that.. but is Oxycodone REALLY the only choice? I don't think so!

Fast forward a few days. Hubby is still at his moms and has no pills. No car. No cell phone. No kids, no wife. Just his mom, and her tiny cramped smoke filled apartment. He gets his prescription filled every Tuesday. I called the doctor that morning and requested they not fill it. The doctor told me, they would fill it, but let ME pick it up instead of him. That way I could at least portion his pills out and he can't access them all at one time and run out like he's been doing. I guess that's at least a step in the right direction. I spoke with his mother and let her know what is going on. She agreed to give him his pills every 4 hours and keep me in the loop. She told me he has broken down crying a few times. He say's he's been doing some major soul searching. He sent me an email with an apology and a list of things he wants to correct. He has told me over and over how bad he feels about what he's done during our marriage. I want to believe him.. I really do. But it's hard. I've heard this before. He's lied to be for the last 3 years. That stuff doesn't just disappear because he has an epiphany. I need to work through it, and I need time.

I dropped off 2 days worth of pills with his mother. He keeps asking for his cell phone back. He tells me he wants something to make him feel more "normal". I believe he wants his phone so he can contact whoever he's been getting pills from. So I refuse to return it. I went through his phone, I looked at text messages, phone calls made and received. I even figured out his password for his voicemail and listened to them. He had a call from a woman named Tina - I've met Tina. She is a crackhead. Literally, she uses the drug and that is the term I use. Crackhead Tina - left a voicemail saying "I have the stuff you've been looking for. Give me a call back as soon as possible!". "The stuff". Hubby say's "I don't know what stuff she's talking about". I know he's lying. She called his phone several more times after the next few days. I finally answered it the other night and I think she's figured out I don't like her. Oh well! The other person I chose to call was Kelly. The woman my husband supposedly pawned the Wii for. Well, that truth was pretty surprising.

My husband has been hanging out with a guy named Paul off and on for the last 6 months or so. He kept insisting he worked with Paul and that was how they had met. Funny thing is, I never heard of Paul when he supposedly worked with him. It wasn't until I saw a charge for a pawn shop on my husbands debit card that Paul's name was mentioned. He told me he was helping Paul out and buying a necklace for his girlfriend for Christmas. I doubted it then.. and still do. Well.. more recently my husband told me that Paul had a heart attack. Then a few days later told me "Paul died." I didn't believe him. How terrible is that? I got online and checked the obituaries each day. There was no listing for anyone named Paul. Kelly is Paul's daughter. When I spoke with Kelly she filled in some info that was missing from Hubby's story. Paul isn't dead. He's in jail. Paul was arrested for 22 counts of mostly drug related offenses. Paul is 68 years old and hasn't figured this crap out .. doubt he will! The charge that stood out to me the most was "Possession of prescription only drugs with intent to sell". Ah ha! That's why my husband was suddenly friends with Paul out of the blue. He's his source. Hubby pawned the Wii to try to get bail money to get Paul out. All the pieces fall into place.

Hubby calls and tells me "I want to be totally honest with you. I want to fix us and I know I screwed up big time". So I listen. He starts filling me in and telling me all these things he's lied about. What he tells me matches what Kelly had to say. He never cheated on me with her. His brother told me "he's not the cheating type". So I guess I feel better about that small part. I still feel he's lying and hiding some stuff though.

As far as his cell phone goes. I went through it and wrote down a bunch of numbers, and then deleted a bunch of people. I don't want him calling or texting drug contacts. I don't want him having easy access.. I know he will still figure out a way to get in touch with certain ones. But at least I've slowed it down hopefully. He got his phone back yesterday.

I have been over to visit him with the kids most nights. It's awkward. I feel a lot of anger, resentment, and frustration with him. He say's he's sorry and hit rock bottom and wants to fix it all. I don't trust him right now. I don't believe him. I don't know what to really say to him. When I'm home and the kids are in bed I miss him like crazy. I want him to be there to hold me and cuddle at night. But then when he calls I feel so annoyed. I get angry and say things I probably shouldn't. I'm not being mean, I'm being brutally honest. I guess now probably isn't the best time for that when he's feeling vulnerable. But I feel like he's taken advantage and lied and screwed around for several years. I want him to suffer a little now. I want him to feel bad. I want him to see what he's missing out on. I want him to WANT to really fix it.

I'm going through a roller coaster of emotions. I'm upset, I'm depressed, I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm happy, I'm up, I'm down. It's hard to figure it out. I want to walk away and tell him off. But I also want to fix things. I want him. I love him to death. He was such an amazing man when we first met and then the pills sort of took over and he disappeared. I don't know if the man I love will ever truly come back or not.. but I dearly hold on to that hope.